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做優(yōu)秀父母，請學(xué)習(xí)并堅持養(yǎng)育四項基本原則不動搖

出處：@天天用英語的小珠日期：2024-06-15 22:14:32編輯：網(wǎng)絡(luò)收集

有一個媽媽，從懷孕起開始接觸心理學(xué)，閱讀了上百本養(yǎng)育相關(guān)的書籍，學(xué)了不少親子關(guān)系秘籍和解決問題的技巧，但孩子到了青春期仍然出現(xiàn)很多問題。媽媽很苦惱也很不解，她覺得自己在關(guān)系中非常注意溝通方法：共情啊、非暴力溝通、正面管教都用了啊，為什么還是做不到一個好媽媽？

事實上，就是因為她想要成為好媽媽的執(zhí)念，使得她呈現(xiàn)給孩子的方法和技巧都變成了套路。而孩子需要的，是真實的父母和父母無條件的愛，僅此而已。

每個孩子都是完全不同的個體，就算拿著一本成功父母們總結(jié)出的《養(yǎng)育方法與技巧大全》照本宣科去做，也未必能復(fù)制出一個成功的孩子。

做父母不用那么用心，很多時候，我們只需要把握一些大的原則和方向就夠了。方向?qū)α?，技巧多一點還是少一點，其實都不重要。

這四個養(yǎng)育的大原則是：

看動機不看行為

我在很多地方都講過這個小故事：一個爸爸深夜回家已經(jīng)累到極致，只想好好倒頭大睡一覺。一掀被子卻發(fā)現(xiàn)被被子里不知什么時候被塞了一碗沖好的方便面，面碗被帶翻，帶著油花和面條把床鋪弄得一塌糊涂。

爸爸氣急了，認(rèn)定是他兒子搞的惡作劇，拎起熟睡的孩子不由分說地暴揍了一頓。后來才知道兒子是心疼他工作辛苦，經(jīng)常沒時間吃飯，就給他泡了一碗方便面。因為怕爸爸回來后面就涼了，參考雪糕蓋被子保冷的做法把方便面塞進(jìn)了被窩里。

其實，當(dāng)我們看到孩子那些讓人火冒三丈的行為時，先按耐住自己的認(rèn)定，問問他你為什么會這樣做？這樣其實是因為影響你的情緒的，往往并不是那個事件本身，而是你對這個事件的看法。當(dāng)聽聽孩子的想法，你會發(fā)現(xiàn)你認(rèn)定的、對這個事件的看法或許并不成立，你就有了機會去了解另一個視角，從而不致像這個爸爸一樣后悔不已。

夸努力不夸天資

斯坦福大學(xué)資深心理學(xué)教授Dweck和她的同事在2005年的一項研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，如果當(dāng)孩子成功完成了一個困難的挑戰(zhàn)，例如完成了一幅高難度的拼圖，你習(xí)慣性地表揚他：你真是一個聰明的孩子。這樣長大的孩子容易形成智力實體理論，也就是說他們認(rèn)為自己是因為聰明這種先天的、固定不能改變的特質(zhì)才得到贊揚。

相反，如果你夸獎他：這個拼圖很困難，你一定是很努力很認(rèn)真才順利完成的吧。這樣的孩子就會形成智力增加理論，他們相信智力是可塑的，是可以通過自己的努力和時間的積累而得到發(fā)展的。

要知道，你的夸獎其實影響深遠(yuǎn)，最直接的是影響到孩子對智力和能力的信念，這些會成為他們動機風(fēng)格的基礎(chǔ)，并直接影響到他們未來的成就。

重過程不重結(jié)果

幼教領(lǐng)域泰斗級人物張梅玲老師曾在北海幼兒園做過一個調(diào)查，她詢問了很多個5歲半的孩子3+4等于幾？結(jié)果很多孩子都能告訴她等于7。

但仔細(xì)問下去：你是如何得到這個答案的？就各不相同了。比如第一個回答的小女孩說：因為7可以分成3和4，所以3+4=7。第二個小男孩本來是答不出的，張老師啟發(fā)他：你爸給了你4塊糖，你媽又給了你三塊糖，你今天一共得了幾塊糖？他就能答出來了是7塊。第三個小孩子是靠數(shù)手指頭數(shù)出來的，先數(shù)三根彎起來，再數(shù)四根彎起來，最后一起數(shù)數(shù)這兩部分，發(fā)現(xiàn)一共是7根。

如果父母只看重結(jié)果，那么這些孩子的水平是相當(dāng)?shù)?，因為大家都得出了正確的答案。但如果看他們得出結(jié)果的方法，就能很明顯地看到這幾個孩子的思維水平差別非常大。

所謂懂孩子，就是了解孩子當(dāng)前的發(fā)展水平，從而知道他可能需要什么幫助或能夠拔高到什么水平。知道結(jié)果是什么，知道如何達(dá)成這些結(jié)果，并且知道達(dá)到結(jié)果的路不止一條，可以選擇做出優(yōu)化，這是孩子達(dá)到成功的必由之路，無論成功的大小。

要看見不要評價

還是講一個小故事。兩個小朋友都是第一天去幼兒園，他們也都很喜歡畫畫，老師也鼓勵他們畫。其中一個小朋友畫得很好很快，畫完后就拿去給老師看，老師覺得很好，也希望能鼓勵孩子喜歡幼兒園，就用略帶夸張的語氣夸贊到：哇！你畫得可真棒，真是一個畫畫小天才！另一個孩子畫完之后老師正好有事出去了，所以他并沒有得到老師的評價。

到了第二天，老師要求孩子們畫一幅《我愛幼兒園》的圖畫，說畫得最好的會和其他班級的優(yōu)秀作品一起張貼到學(xué)校外面的宣傳欄。本來她對昨天贊揚的那個小朋友寄予厚望，但那個小朋友卻有點不太專注，不愿意畫了。

之前也有研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，這種過度的贊美其實是一種評價，反而可能妨礙孩子的自尊。他們會更擔(dān)心失敗，遇到困難更難堅持，因為他們擔(dān)心自己不能夠持續(xù)做得那么好從而配不上之前的贊美。

其實孩子需要的只是被看見。比如可以說：我看到你畫了一座滑梯，還有娃娃家，這個在笑的小朋友是你嗎？你把咱們幼兒園都畫出來了對嗎？

以上的四種態(tài)度就像灌溉之水，家長只要貫穿在生活小事中并持之以恒，孩子這株生命之花就會得到滋養(yǎng)，大概率上不出差錯地開放。

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